


Memorial Day

by Lys ap Adin (lysapadin)



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Deathfic, M/M, first-person narration, possible fangirl japanese, variable pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-06-20
Updated: 2000-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 21:28:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/pseuds/Lys%20ap%20Adin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perfect soldiers are supposed to be indestructible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Indestructible

**Author's Note:**

> Painfully old fic, reposted for the sake of archiving it.

I always figured that perfect soldiers were indestructible. I mean, the one I knew managed to survive more damage than a cockroach and still kept going. So it seemed perfectly logical to me that he'd always be around, pulling off the stunts that would even make me, daredevil that I am, cringe and avert my eyes, certain that this time would be It.

I guess I was wrong.

It's been a couple years since that day, when the war finally came to a *true* end--when Relena's ideals of absolute pacifism became more than just a pretty dream and started to become a reality.

The day that he finally managed to get himself killed.

I'm pretty sure that he didn't mean to. Trowa and I had been working on him pretty hard, poking at that shell he kept around himself, forcing him to open up and admit the dirty truth--that he was just as human as the two of us.

It's not fair. It's so fucking not fair.

He was learning how to smile for the little things--hell, once or twice, I even got him to laugh. (And let me tell you, getting Heero "I am a stone wall" Yuy to chuckle took a *lot* of doing on my part--almost as much work as it took for me to get Trowa "If I laugh, my face might crack" Barton to crack a smile.) He and Trowa both were learning to let go of the past so that together, the three of us could face the future.

I blame it all on the Maxwell luck, personally. We were just getting to the point where we were happy, comfortable with each other and our lives on the perimeters of normal society.... and then, along comes another damned war.

If that little skirmish can really be called a war. I suppose it doesn't matter. Lives were lost on different sides over the same trivial issues as every war in the history of mankind. In my book, that makes it a war. At first, I wanted to blame it all on Mariemeia and Relena's having allowed herself to be kidnapped... But that's not fair. Mariemeia was really only being manipulated, and Relena wasn't to blame for doing what she does best--trusting in the goodness of humanity to prevail.

Hell, I know he didn't mean to do it. We all needed each other too much for him to even think about deserting us. Adjusting to life after the war was no bed of roses for any of us, even me or Quatre. I mean, come on, we were fifteen, almost sixteen, year old boys who had really been trained from childhood to fight and kill. You can't expect a person to just shrug that off. Heero, and Trowa too, was lost without the mission to guide them... I was lost, too. My ultimate mission--revenge on the Federation for Maxwell Church--was completed. If we hadn't had each other to learn to live for, none of us would have made it through.

We loved each other, as much as it was possible for war-scarred teenagers to love. In retrospect, I think that it was more than I would have guessed. I guess it was pretty odd--three guys, together for more than just the sex? Get real, right?

I can't explain it. Trowa... was there to take care of us when we needed it. Heero provided the strength of will to fulfill the missions that seemed too hard to bear. And I... I guess I was the one to remind them that there's more to life than what came through from the doctors.

It's changed, now, between Trowa and me. Way back when all this started, we came together because of Heero and moved to affection from there. When Heero... died... (God, it still hurts like hell to say it), the two of us were left to ask ourselves and each other if there was anything between us worth salvaging.

Since we're still together, I guess there was. We work pretty well off each other. He keeps me from being too outrageous; I keep him from blocking off the world. We've learned to be strong for each other, and how to laugh together. Is it the same as before? No... Is it better? Maybe.

I do know this. No matter how strong what Trowa and I have is, it's still missing something--or should I say someone? Because, even after this time, there's still a Heero-shaped hole in our lives, and probably always will be. We still love him... and love is indestructible.


	2. Carpe Diem

For a guy as full as expertise about some things as Heero Yuy was when I first met him, he sure didn't know a whole hell of a lot about the art of person-to-person interaction.

Maybe some of what happened later was my fault - my fault that I never brought myself to tell him in those first frantic days we knew each other, before we went off on that horrible mission that nearly cost him his life. But the fault isn't entirely mine, either. We were all just scared kids fighting a war that no one really understood, for all our professionalism. Sure, we were killers, hard as nails and more dangerous than Cathrine when she's in full-blown overprotective nee-chan mode. That really doesn't mean that any of us had a clue, no matter how experienced some of us were.

It's never been in my nature to remain celibate for long, for various reasons. Sometimes it's been a matter of survival - spread 'em or starve - and sometimes it's been a matter of choice. In any case, when Heero and I landed in the same boarding school for a mission, I'd been on my own more or less consistently since the launching of Operation M (revised) and I was *really* starting to notice the side effects. The hormones of a teenaged boy are something pretty damn scary, let me tell you.

I know he noticed me fairly quickly. We had something of a professional regard for each other, and I know shooting him left an impression... Heero was funny in the sense that it left a *good* impression. But he wouldn't have acted on the attraction - I found out later that J had more or less trained that out of him too.

Needless to say, I tuned G out when we got to that part of the "How to be a Gundam Pilot in Six Easy Lessons" lecture. I function better when I'm not horny, anyway.

There was something about Heero that drew people to him, and it was more than that sexy little smirk and the brooding eyes or the way his perky little ass looked in tight jeans. Relena picked up on it, I *definitely* picked up on it... and it had Trowa following him around like one of Relena's fangirls. It was hard to define: an aura of strength and frailty blended with purity and guilt. But he was damn sexy, too, and once I had more or less confirmed that he wasn't lacking in the hormones department, that was what made me pounce him the first time.

I remember the look of shock on his face quite clearly, the surprise that widened those dark eyes when I quite deliberately leaned over the table at which we were sitting, reviewing mission results, and kissed him. His lips were soft and firm and tasted a little of salt and the teriyaki stir fry he'd had for dinner.

"What did you do that for?!"

I smiled at him. "Because I wanted to." I kissed him again, more coaxingly, and he responded slowly.

Later he took more initiative in bed, but the first time I slept with him, I took the lead, and the surprised expression on his face when he came with me inside him told me he'd been a virgin. Not that I hadn't expected as much, mind you.

We screwed each other like rabbits for the rest of our time at that school, either sleeping in his room or mine, depending on where we were whenever the hormones struck and we grabbed each other, all groping hands and greedy mouths and sweat-slicked bodies wrapped around each other.

Somewhere in there I fell in love. I don't know how. One night we were going at it just because, the next I couldn't enough of him because I wanted to spend the rest of my indeterminate lifespan with him.

Maybe it would have made a difference if I had told him then that I loved him... maybe things wouldn't have spiraled as crazily out of control as they did, and we would have called Une's bluff about the colonies... and he wouldn't have spent the time convalescing with Trowa. I'm not jealous, not anymore... after all, it worked out in the end. Though maybe I'd be alone right now instead of with Tro...

I think the one thing I learned from Heero that was most important was that it doesn't do any good to hold back when you have something that you need to say. You never know when the chance will be snatched away.


	3. Oblique

Boys don't cry. That's what he says, when he's fighting some emotion too deep to sublimate in a wide smile and sparkling eyes. It's his mantra, his Ave Maria, the desperate plea that disaster might be averted, that the dam may not break and the flood not burst out, wiping away artifice in the power of nature's fury.

Boys don't cry. We're not weak, we don't give in to ourselves, even when we're hurting so bad inside that we'd like nothing better than to cry like little girls, wailing our anguish to the sky and forcing the uncaring world to stop and comfort us. Boys don't cry. We're strong.

I'm weak. I cried, the tears washing my cheeks clean in the bitter spring wind, eyes stinging and nose running and throat so tight I could barely breathe. Spring. New life, new world, new peace, bought with blood. Tinted red. Everything with a metallic taste to it, a ferrous scent. Purity gone, innocence (what innocence?) washed away. The belief in any higher goodness swept utterly away. We laid him to rest, and I cried.

He didn't cry, at least not then, not at the funeral. A slim figure, standing tall at the edge of a yawning abyss. Maybe the only thing I had left to cling to, if he was strong enough to carry us both. Strength. Always something I value, something I seek instinctively... something that has the power to either destroy me or protect me. Heero was strong. Sometimes too strong, forging ahead of himself and fumbling when he overreached his missions. But strong, like I wanted to be... like Relena wants to be.

It took him a long time to cry. We stayed together, uncertain, wobbling, not knowing if there was anything there to stay for, but much too uncertain to venture forth on our own. Not that we had anywhere to go... that's true, and not true... we both have our refuges, our sanctuaries, two women selfless enough to give of themselves when no tangible reward seems in the offing.

But he did cry. Eventually. One afternoon, standing in the kitchen and staring at the box of almond sandies. Heero loved almond sandies. And stupid me brought a box home from the grocery store, and Duo saw them, and then it broke.

He hates crying. That's what he says, it makes his eyes puff up and his face blotchy and red, and it ruins his dignity. That's his excuse, anyway. I think he just hates feeling that helpless. I know I hate it, feeling miserable and vulnerable, and I hate watching him cry, knowing how much I depend on his strength. And he knows this.

He cried, and cursed, broke a few plates for good measure, and I watched, and waited.

He finished crying, and looked at me gloomily. "You *do* know the odds aren't favoring you, right?"

I shrugged. "Aa."

He smiled, maybe against his will. "So articulate. I sure know how to pick 'em." Moving swiftly, he grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me so tightly I could barely breathe. "Don't you *dare* leave me, Tro. Not ever, got that?"

It was the first time he'd ever admitted, however obliquely, that he cared about me.


	4. Memorial Day

They gathered every year, their practice since the end of the brief conflict known as the Mariemeia Incident. The survivors came to mark the passing of another year of peace, to pray for the peace of the coming year, and to remember those who would never be able to do either.

Relena Peacecraft-Winner addressed the gathering of veterans and families at length, speaking with the eloquence of one who has lived through a nightmare. "And let us not forget those whose sacrifice has made it possible to be gathered here today," she concluded. "Let us remember the dedication they made of their lives in order that the world that they would not live to see would be a world in which there was no more need for war.And let us show our appreciation of their gifts by forever striving to uphold the peace purchased with their blood."

As her mother stepped down from the podium, Aiko tugged on her father's hand. "Tousan?"

"What is it, Aiko-chan?" he asked absently, brushing at the tears he was unashamed to shed in public.

"Why are you crying?"

Quatre Raberba Winner smiled at his daughter sadly. "Because I was a soldier, too."

Aiko, puzzled, frowned. "But isn't this a day to honor soldiers, tousan?"

"Yes, but... not all soldiers lived through the wars," he murmured softly.

Relena approached her family, Sally and Wufei in tow. "Hey, you too. Are you ready?"

"Duo and Trowa should be waiting for us," Sally added. "You know how they like to be early."

"We're ready," Quatre responded, easily lifting his small daughter into his arms. "Let's go."

    


* * *

  
 

 

The group stood in a semi-circle around the headstone, which simply read

Heero Yuy  
All gave some...  
Some gave all.  
Ninmu kanryou.

"Tousan, why are Uncle Duo and Uncle Trowa so sad?" Aiko whispered.

"Because, a long time ago, they were very close to your Uncle Heero," he told her quietly. "And it makes them sad that he died."

"Oh..." Aiko watched as first Duo, then Trowa, laid a rose on the grave. "Aren't they happy with each other?"

"Yes... I'll explain it to you when you're older," Quatre said, as Duo put his arms around Trowa and they walked away. "C'mon, let's go home."


End file.
